Both and then some.

There's an internal conflict that often happens when attempting to make decisions daily. Go to the gym or just sleep in? Save money meticulously or take a break and treat myself? Be true to me even amidst my flaws and insecurities or spend my efforts being more like others who carry different strengths than me? At the end of the day I find I sway both ways.

Sometimes neither option is bad per se. Sometimes both options are equally good given the context and the variables that come into play. And sometimes, it's both and then some. Sleep in because you had an are-you-for-real(?!) kind of week and go to the gym later when you're actually awake? Treat yourself to a coffee but maybe hold back on updating your entire wardrobe? Go into relationships knowing you do have something to offer but also that there's always something to learn and take away.

Ironically, most of my life I've hauled around a heavy assortment of containers, hoping someday I'll fit into one of them for good. Making decisions by only giving myself the option of good or bad, right or wrong. Taking that pressure into adulthood and not knowing where I should or could belong.

In my adolescence I aspired to be a cowgirl, soccer player, astronaut, ballerina, veterinarian, teacher, dancer and professional singer! And conveniently when you're young, you're told "you can be anything you want to be!" However, then you adventure into your older years and realize those options are quite specific and swiftly laid out for you to choose from, strongly emphasizing that you just choose one. Now in the later stages of my twenties I wonder, maybe we can be anything we want to be but can we also be everything we want to be?

My buoyant estimate is 'yes'.

I'm starting to consider 'both and then some' as the suggestion that you can be you as you are, as you have been and as you intend to be, all simultaneously. Maybe you struggle with vulnerability because of a shunning experience in your earlier years but perhaps you then use that experience to make you cognizant of your present day tendencies? Then pair it with the vision of your potential, using the sum of both to inspire you to persist towards an alternative outcome? Or maybe you just want to be a cowgirl-boot wearing, brilliant astronaut who occasionally trades her boots in for soccer cleats and sings karaoke on the weekends? That's allowed to!

To exist both and then some doesn't proclaim you live flamboyantly while also demanding others accept you unconditionally. It doesn't mean you be everything beyond your personal capabilities and boundaries, living a performance based lifestyle and striving to stay afloat. Instead it's persisting with full recognition of the areas you can afford to mature in while also accepting the permission to gather all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly and let it forever form you.

Your varied interests, talents, hobbies, emotions, experiences, set backs, triumphs, mistakes, relationship hits and misses, it's all useful; ALL OF IT. We don't have to choose between the person we were, the person we are and the person we want to be. We can befriend and compile the mixture that makes up our lives and step into a place ever evolving but entirely more free.

Embrace both and then some and explore the wealth of your worth.

Not long lonesome

||     This weekend I was able to practice using my new camera on a shoot I've been wanting to do some time now with two of the sweetest souls.

I wanted this shoot to be raw and so I drew inspiration from one of my real life experiences. Often times and even recently I would end up pushing people away if I was hurting in an effort to protect myself or them. Eventually whether I accomplished to admit it or not, I'd always inevitably come back with the need to care for and to be cared for. Even when distance seemed dominant and I felt proud in my selfish sense of control, I could never escape my natural inclination for contact and connection and have had to learn to embrace it. 'Not long lonesome' caters to the contrast in those times; of separation but unity, being apart from each other yet still beautifully associated. The refinement comes when we realize it was always meant to be this way. It's for the better.

Don't do life alone, it's lonely. Grab a hand, rest a head, lean in, let someone in, come back, connect. Sometimes you might have to initiate the effort but somewhere there is always someone for you, maybe even someone who's been there all along.

Let's be not long lonesome.
Forever we're together.

This shoot is dedicated to Olivia + Katy, who's friendship inspires me daily. 

Unseen

||   Over the recent weeks, I have felt more alive and more hopeful than I have in a long while. This isn't to say there haven't been tough times because in fact, I'm right in the thick of an incredibly busy time at work as well as unsure as ever about where we'll be living or what we'll be doing come September. Yet somehow, I feel like the best version of myself to date and have to thank a few factors that have contributed to this newfound glory.

Without going into terrible detail, since my teen years I have dealt deeply with depression and anxiety and although it's taken on different forms and seen various trials and triumphs over the years, it is something that I regularly battle but every day hope to find healing from. 

It's interesting though, how as mortals we kick into survival mode more than we probably even realize. While dealing with this situation, it has always been me striving to fix myself and seeing the same good intended attempts from the loving people around me. Out of sincere kindness and concern I've been advised to the left, right, upside down and back again in an effort to jump this huge hurdle. And after years of articles, coffee and accountability, sermons, medication, prayers, hugs and tears, I'm sitting here typing a blog post and feeling like the best version of myself so far not in spite of all those remedies but in a culmination of them working together while also recently including a hugely vital yet somehow underestimated thing I've been missing until now:  

Value

It's not been for long that I've realized that the absent ingredient to my formula of solution over my life was having a real sense of value for myself. This isn't exactly surprising since the basis of depression is self-deprecation but suddenly it's become all too clear how I've charged at my condition from the perspective that I need to fix something not because it's simply broken but furthermore because it's worthless and on its way to becoming a complete lost cause.  

For example, let's say you broke your leg. Would you just cut it off and do without it, saying since it's broken it's basically useless and not worth saving or would you actually get a cast and physical therapy because you see its value, its potential, its still worth! I'd say let's aim for the latter but it's been in correlation to this analogy that I've been thinking from a wrong perspective! 

It's important for me to mention that I've not been able to come across this recent discovery alone. Thanks to the love of dear friends who have spoken value to my soul, I've been able to see myself differently or better yet, accurately. Depression makes you feel misunderstood, isolated, unseen. But as of late, things have been drawn out from me again, dreams feel okay to dream and I feel okay being me!

When people set out to see you, you see change and when you yourself choose to see people as individuals and value them through that, they see change. 

I can only speak from my own experience but because of some deeply dedicated friends who have not let me out of their sight and consistently showered me with value and the truth of my worth, I am here today at my very best yet. 

Don't underestimate the power of being seen and your ability to see. There may be others out there struggling with a similar thing but through the unconditional persistence of a brave few, I know this has changed sincerely everything for me.   

I hope neither you or even I continue to live this life as unseen. There's far too much beauty, talent, charisma and depth for us not to recognize in one another daily. See things, see others and press on yourself, knowing you too are seen.   ||

Make yourself at home

||   This weekend we were able to move into our very own flat! I’m no expert at being outwardly expressive but on the inside I’ve been beaming with joy! Amidst the joy however has been this consistent state of shock on how it can be that we have such an incredible place to host with, to find happiness in, to make our own. 

Coincidently this occurrence has inspired me to new insightful heights. 

Our dream is to open our doors to the sound of friendships strengthening and the feeling of togetherness deepening. We hope everyone feels welcome upon arrival and safe and secure while they’re here.

Finally having a place to host brought to my mind the process of how when you arrive as a guest you’re often instantly told to ‘make yourself at home’ which is essentially a kind suggestion at heart but a bit of an awkward one in all actually. I usually respond with a closed mouth smile and nod combo followed up with thoughts in my head like “What does that even mean?” and  “Do they seriously want me to throw my feet up on the couch and empty their fridge?” and then usually conclude with something like, “Yeahhh, I’m probs just gonna sit here with my hands crossed and not touching anything…”. And unless you’re one of the few truly bold and crazy brave, you most likely relate with me and still feel a sense of hesitation to taking them up on their offer.

So why do we hold back? What’s the true issue? Why do I sit there having a full blown conversation with myself over this? Also, why are my palms are starting to feel clammy.. 

I’d argue it comes down to an issue of vulnerability and the resistance that follows that concept. Home is where you look your worst (or at least it’s where I do)! It’s where you’re sweat pants from 1998 come out to play, where potentially your polite manners slip out the bay window and where last night’s makeup becomes this morning’s rude awakening. And all this isn’t even a bad thing! It’s your home, it’s where you SHOULD feel most comfortable but if you were to act in this other person’s home like you do in your own, Lord knows it’d be a scene! It’d be you, vulnerable and true and in our current society flow, vulnerability is a no-go. Pressures all around us say we’re meant to 'show our best and hide the rest' and I’m guilty of slipping into this habit myself!

Inspired by this, today I decided to start a second Instagram page directly linked to my blog as a place for me to creatively ‘make myself at home’. So many times I overthink what I want to post, say, let people see, but this account will finally strictly serve me and I don’t mean that in a selfish way but more so in a necessary way to help me move forward towards who I am fully meant to be. 

I hope I can expose my more timid side, the parts of me that are afraid of not being fully understood by strangers or even friends. It will serve as a safe space for me to explore artistically and challenge myself in my craft  – anything will go! Of course another instagram page isn’t going to settle all my fears but it will help me face them.

If you’re theoretically holding back from ‘making yourself at home’ in any area of your life I would encourage you to push through and choose vulnerability! You have something special to offer to the world that sincerely only YOU can bring! We need more people who are beautifully expressive, undoubtedly free and truly comfortable with themselves and the way they were made to be. We spend HOURS day dreaming we had someone else’s lifestyle, that girl’s beach body or some guy’s booming career when all the while it’s quite clear that what we already possess is better than the rest because it’s unique to you, it's only yours.

This will be a journey but join me.

Go get up close and comfortable with who you are..

Make yourself at home.   ||

Hold tight and let go

||   These days as of late have been all so colorful. The mix of time-demanding tasks and obligations together with intermittent moments of pure bliss, have further confirmed that the longer we live here, the more I fall slow but steadily more in love.

This weekend we journey to our third place of residence in only 6 short months! Each home we've nestled into has somehow been better than the last and we have nothing to give but endless thanks to all who have been a part.

We're also in the process of searching out a legal way to stay in the UK for another year which as you can imagine is a regular summer breeze. This has brought along its own case of nervousness and general altogether FREAK OUT sessions at the thought of not knowing where we'll be 5 months from now. However, it's all part of the adventure... or so I'm told :)

These two pressing matters alone give me the urge to grip, grab, grasp, HOLD onto something, anything really, both emotionally and literally.

In fact recently I was with a friend in a nerve-racking situation and realized quickly that I'm the type who in moments of uncertainty, needs to hold onto something to help deal. Based on real life events the story goes on that as my friend and I were driving, about to face the odds, I'm in the passenger seat cluelessly clenching the hand break like it's my literal day job. My mind is racing, my heart is pacing and my hand is glued to that break.

Interestingly enough, this kind of reaction is not far from how I react internally to many of life's trying and uncomfortable moments.

Where's life's hand break?
How can I be in control at all times?
What can I grab onto when things seem unstable?

I'd choose control over chaos any day- no doubt! And in my current situation I could run savage with concerning thoughts and debilitating doubts but equally I'm convinced there's really no point. Holding that hand break didn't make me more in control of that moment nor will it do so now. In fact, if anything it made it harder for my friend to actually drive!

As much as I'd like to pretend I am, the truth is that I'm not even in the driver seat of my own life yet I play out most days with my hand fastened to the break just for control's sake. I'm learning (for the 53rd time) that the sooner I let go and let the driver drive, the smoother this journey will be.

I don't know if we'll get approved for another visa. I don't know if we'll be here in 5 months time or if we'll be bags-packed-no-looking-back! One thing I do know however is that I'm not in control and contrary to my own popular belief, that's a very good and encouraging thing!

I've got to, we've got to, let go of that hand break and let life ride! And for the record, this is definitely the cheesiest analogy I've ever used in writing a blog post and I can't even take the cheese credit for originating the concept but it's helped me put life that much more into perspective and perspective is worth the embarrassment.

So I guess hold on; because life will be wild but let go and be flexible because we weren't meant to be in constant control.

Hold tight and let go yo.   ||

Texture tales

||   Texture. I just can't turn my eyes away when I sight it. In France almost every wall was consumed with layers and layers of texture due to old ruins being remade or just plain old age.

Ask my husband, he couldn't figure out why in the midst of France I was taking photos of old walls but the thing that drew me to taking snapshots of walls over selfies in front of tourist buildings was the mystery, that potential story.


What is the history here?
When do these bricks, that paint date back to?
How many years, hands and eyes have been laid here?

What you see is somehow not what you get.

In many ways I see myself in the same sense as a ever evolving textured wall. I too am made up of years of wear and tear, of scraps and chips but all together in the end, I make up something unique because of it and so do you. I wouldn't be true without the layers of life I've had to live through. Weathering through the storms, touch ups and graffiti are all me. Sometimes I wish I could do demolition on myself, completely start over and live as a fully remodeled self while simultaneously forgetting my originality and where I started from. It's only just now, at 27 going on 28, that I'm learning to let myself live on. Each struggle I face, every victory thats made, translates to another layer, another coat of paint showing my progression.

I want to be everything I've ever been and continue to be. Do you? I've made many mistakes and gone down roads wrongly but when people get to know me, I want them to know everything that makes me, me.

They say only time will tell but I think time builds texture and texture tells the truth.

Face value is shallow but those layers beneath, they are primitive and primitively priceless.   ||

Gold

||   It's Christmas, we're in France... What is this life? A continual conundrum of undeservedness, that's what. To say we're grateful would be a massively poor understatement.

The wine here, I think they sprinkle magic pixie dust into it to make it flawless. The cheese? pa-lease! No need to explain that one. And lest we not forget the pastas and grains in this place. Fresh baked bread and perfectly pressed pasta calling my name and claiming it's home securely on my hips.

France, I'm a sucker and you are gettin' me good.

So we've settled that the food is gorg and all but what's the real gold in traveling? I'd make the plea that it's ironically the same gold that every place possesses.. its people.

We don't know a lick of french and it's actually pathetic. I've found french to be a stunning language and even try to prep what I'm going to say each time before we go out. Sadly, as soon as I'm face to face with the chance I forget that having a true conversation would mean me also understanding what THEY'RE saying (naturally). Then you do that stupid thing where you revert back to just speaking english and oh how the eye rolls follow but can I just tell you that one of my most favorite moments was also one of my most embarrassing? Which, if you know me at all, you know this is the exact opposite of how I equate a favorite moment in my mind.

We're staying in a quant village called Gignac. The streets are straight up from every stereotypical scene of France you could imagine in your mind only better by tens of thousands. We're having a stroll around our neighborhood and like overly obvious tourists we're taking photos of doors and floors galore. I walk by this precious elderly lady, who sees Dustin taking photos which to her, are of absolutely nothing. She then, matching up only barely past my shoulders, grabs me, hugs me by the side and says some paragraph in french, giggling and smiling fields wide. I wanted nothing more than to participate in return but cowardly I chose to nod my head as engagingly as possible in a desperate attempt to pull off understanding her. She was so friendly, so warm and we were sharing such a sweet moment that I couldn't sober it dry by acknowledging the language barrier when in all actuality she was speaking ever so clearly.

They say actions speak louder than words and I'd even protest that actions speak louder than languages. We've had our fair share of confusion even trying to understand certain phrases from our friends in England but what we never have failed to interpret is a smile, a passing nod, a warm and impressing comical hug. Sure, the tastes and spirits here are divine but when you see kids playing football down a side alley way, you meet a shop owner who helps you pick out a small christmas plant that will soon die anyway or you exchange an embrace with a innocently trusting and utterly precious elderly soul you realize once again that the gold in every place, in every state, country and continent, is indeed it's people.

So Merry Christmas to all you people! It's you that makes this world shine like gold. You being you, enjoying a moment with some stranger could change their entire experience of a place. It doesn't have to be for two crazy tourists either. Let it be a mutual late night grocery store shopper, a fellow dog lover at the park, an old colleague, that person who you know takes the same train as you everyday but that you've never spoken to. I want to make other people feel and remember what that little old lady made me feel and remember on that day. I want to make other people feel like gold.

Because what do you get when you add gold to gold?
You get rich.

And in the words of my brother-from-another-mother Mr. 50 Cent..

"Get rich or die trying"

Word, fitt-y, word.    ||